In other words, tell them what they should want out of it. Tell them how you will supply it. Then tell them how they should want more of that from you.

An early boss of mine, a leader in the Old Girls Network battling the Old Boys Network in a regional teaching hospital, she used to insist on reading What’s In It For Me in every article I wrote for my fledgling employee newsletter that came out of our Public Relations Department.

The turf wars there were so viciously fought and defended that I equated that selfish formula with the emotional poison running through the halls of the hospital — what we promotes as, and should have been a healing atmosphere.

Within five years of quitting that newsletter editor job, I learned from a former co-worker that my boss had died of cancer. She lived to stir up a fight and “Put on my German stomping boots” and go to battle with the Old Boy Network guy who headed up Human Resources.

These rules for power are tilted toward power-over which is less effective in the long run. They discourage power with, and the leadership practices that harness the best from a team, a client, or a family system for the long run.